This is a really long post, mostly just because I wanted to record some of my thoughts in a place I would be likely to remember them better. And I also wanted some certain people (close and one far away friend, fabulous neighbors, family members, sisters-in-law) to know how thankful I am that they are in my life.
Yesterday was a little bit of a rough day for me. I was thinking about a lot of things and getting pretty frustrated about some of them. It just seemed to me like my loving husband was able to leave on a business trip (to Vegas so it's a pretty fun place for a business trip) with a group of fun guys from work without a thought as to how that impacts me and Alli here at home. I guess I should feel good that he knows I can take care of everything at home and that if anything would happen I would be able to handle it, but without him voicing his feelings on anything-including the fact that he would actually have more fun if we were coming with him- before he left, I was left to have a pity-party by myself. I LOVE being a mom, I loved teaching, but I would hate leaving my sweet little girl everyday! I couldn't do it. I also could never do his job, he does great at it, but it is pretty stressful (it's complete commission so he knows that it's ALL up to him) and although that is stressful for me at times, I'm positive it's harder for him. With that being said I know that the weeks Alli throws up for a week straight, there is no way he'd trade me, and really I don't think he'd enjoy being home taking care of things all day either. So when considering a package trade-neither of us would trade. We'd both go nuts in each other's worlds. But at times it is too easy to take part of each others world and think that is the whole thing, creating jealousy-me thinking he gets to do more things than I do after his work day is over (which is true), and him thinking I look at other people's blogs all day and just watch t.v. (not so true at all, which anyone at home clearly knows) or me thinking that his trips are so exciting (which maybe they are, but really I just want to go with him, not without him or Alli-I wouldn't know what to do all by myself). When I am gone from them, I just want to be back home with them so I think my wish is just knowing he feels the same way. All right, therapy session done. Back to yesterday, I have some fabulous friends, I have fabulous family members who are also my friends, and I have wonderful women around me who are most definitely friends. These wonderful women were able to make me feel much less alone, and help me be soo glad that even if I were in L.V. sitting in a hotel room with Alli, that is really where I want to be. I LOVE all of her funny antics and I would not want to miss any of them. I like seeing them in first person, not hearing about them after the fact. I like being able to make a delicious dinner that Ryan really appreciates when he eats it, and I love knowing that I am able to create a house that he wants to come home to and even more than that, that it is me he wants to come home to. So I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but thank you to those sweet women who reached out and gave me companionship (even just an offer through the computer) and helped me realize that 1-the feelings I had were normal, and feelings that at one time or another everyone has felt-but they didn't allow the feelings to stay and control their actions and lives, 2-I don't want to compare my life with anyone, not even my husband, and 3-Just enjoy the blessings in my life right now! Now to get the little muchkin dressed and convince her that only certain colors are green, there are also pinks, yellows, and purples in her world that is often filled with only green (is kinda the only color she knows, but yellow's coming). Since she makes me so happy, here's a trick from a couple weeks ago, and the dress that is too small-it's one of the random outfits she found while I was doing laundry one day and for some reason she loves it???
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6 comments:
Amanda, I totally know how you feel!! I have had so many of those days where you just want to trade!! Alli is so lucky to have such a great mom!! Ryan is lucky as well to have such a great woman in his life!! If you ever need picking up let me know!! We all get down sometimes!!
*Hugs*
Sorry it was a tough day! Those certainly do happen every so often. Being a mom is frequently a job that can go unappreciated. You are doing great.
Amanda, I TOTALLY relate. Sometimes I'm thinking, "Man, Tommy really gets a lot more loose time than he thinks. And he thinks I watch T.v. and am looking at blogs all day too." But they don't understand all the OTHER things that have to be done EVERY day! And how physically exhausting it is having a kid hang on you all day. Your sentence felt like I was reading, my life. I totally relate with the pity-party, and the "Dang, I want a flipping break sometime too you know, can't I come too?!" It's ok to feel like that sometimes, because being a Mommy is a tough job. We have to sacrifice a lot of our own personal time and things for our kids. I just have to enjoy the kid stage now, because later when I'm old and 60 and my kids are grown, I'm going to be surfing on the waves in Hawaii!! And I'll be partying all I want like a crazy animal! (Not really I'm terrified of the ocean, and I'm not much of a party person anyways) But you get my drift.
you know you are always welcomed over here. i know how lonely and hard it can be. it wasn't all that long ago that i was pretty much a "single" mom. i had a husband who would leave first thing in the morning and not be home until after i was in bed. please feel free to call if you need to chat or come over if you need an adult to be with. life is tough sometimes, but it's always nice to know that we aren't alone in how we feel. i love you and i'm glad you are a part of our family!
I love you. I'm sorry I haven't pulled my head out long enough to realize you were hurting. You are always there for me friend and you are such a good momma. I get jealous of my man's 'freedom' sometimes too, but when your kid is as smart and cool as alli it's by no coincidence; rather by the grace of an incredible mother. (call me tomorrow or I will hunt you down)
As all your other comments have said, you are not alone! I just logged on to write a similar post!! It is hard, but like you said it's hard to be a father and husband too. We just need to take more time to make sure one another feels appreciated! :) Thanks for sharing, to help all of us realize we aren't bad mothers for feeling those things, because we all do!
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